Dude is a tool crying hard for attention. He has posted 2 LONG ass posts that he has hidden from non-members whining about Feminist hating him, and random other shit I didn't care enough to read about. Also, this was posted.
Posting the artwork as soon as I did and jumping into the forum and Twitter with both feet was a huge mistake. I wanted to push this this all behind me and ended up tearing open a wound before it could heal. Anyways, I've written a preblog 'note' that would go at the at top of my blog post and address a certain situation. These days, I can't tell if something like this is... well... >:? Is it a bunch of nonsensical bullshit? Does it sound crazy? I don't want to sound crazy. I put in a bunch of jokes so it might sound like I normally do, but I'm worried the jokes are just out of place and just... weird.
But I can't just take the note out, right? I don't want people to associate my beliefs with hers and if my my diagnosis ends up being what I mention in the note, then that'll happen. I think.
I don't think I'll have that diagnosis, really. But it might be something similar. I think it it will be something similar. It's connected to various situations that I go into in the blog and I can't tell if I should be saying them or not. Or if I'm saying them in a non-asshole way.
I've really screwed myself here, guys. I feel like my career is an ice sculpture and it's melting fast and I gotta do something quick. But I can't write this blog. I just tell. I'm on version nine and well...
Pages 0 37
Words 0 19102
Characters (no spaces) 0 86942
Characters (with spaces) 0 105566
And I think I might've written 37 pages of nonsense bullshit, you guys. I don't want to say "oh it's nothing" because then everyone will be mad, thinking I just didn't want to work. I don't want to to go on too much about what's wrong or say too many details, because everyone will think I'm trying to whine for attention and be all theatrical. And I'm trying to make the whole thing sound like I'm my usual, goofy self but... I can't tell if it looks like I'm trying too hard. I can't remember how to be me and I'm watching everything I do, to try and fake it. But I can't tell if I'm getting away with it.
There. You see that? That's another problem with this shit. Every single thing I'm dealing with sounds like a fucking line out of some 14 year old emo girl's poetry book. "I can't remember how to be me"?? Are you fucking kidding me with this shit?!
(Note: I know this is all whiny and melo-dramatic. :meh: )
Anyways, here is the preblog note. Please don't repost it anywhere else for now. If it ends up on the blog, then it's fair game. I just want an honest opinion on how you guys think I should proceed with this thing. After some time passes and I get some feedback, I'll remove it from the forum.
Preblog Statement Regarding Twitter and PTSD
As this wildly long blog post will explain, I have… ‘something bad’ going on with the inside of my head. That ‘something bad’ surfaced during work stress and since I’ve been working on the internet, that stress largely formed while dealing with things that started on Twitter and other online communication. I’ve taken the first steps toward diagnosis and medical help, but right now I don’t know what I have. I know what I don’t have, though. I don’t have Twitter induced PTSD. How do I know this? Because it’s fucking Twitter.
After some reading and discussions, it seems that sure, the medical definition of PTSD can include a wide variety of causes. Some of those causes can be things that most people consider harmless, but might be considered traumatising by the PTSD sufferer. So from my largely uneducated point of view, and on a technical level, it seems like it could be possible to get PTSD or some other trauma induced condition from online interaction, if it’s connected to something really nasty. Honestly, I don’t know much about this and I don’t want to pass too much judgement one way or the other.
So if you or someone close to you is dealing with PTSD that stems from a non-violent/non-tragic source, I don’t care what that source is. It could be Twitter, your credit rating or because you never get to be the ‘shoe’ in Monopoly. I’m not going to judge you because you have a diagnosis that I don’t understand. I know a lot of people are going to read this blog (or part of it. It’s like… really long) and judge me pretty harshly. So I understand how shitty it feels. I don’t want to get in the way of whatever love and support you might really deserve while you get through your situation.
Now, after hiding from the internet for about six weeks, I started to nervously tip-toe back online where I discovered an individual who was claiming to suffer from ‘Twitter induced PTSD’. Now while anyone could spend 30 seconds on Google and find out who I’m talking about, I’m going to refrain from using her name anyways, since I really don’t want to add to the people contacting her and saying things she’d rather not read. (EDIT: She’s recently started a donation drive to support PTSD and I’d like to link to it. Since the drive explains all about who she is, there’s really no more point in withholding her name.)
“But Tarol, why even bring her up? Why not just say nothing?”
An excellent and reasonable question, ‘hypothetical voice of no one’. Let me just explain my feelings on the matter and then I’ll answer it at the end of this segment.
Now let’s keep it real here. When I say “I don’t have Twitter induced PTSD”, what I really mean is “I’d BETTER NOT have Twitter induced PTSD”. I’m not a doctor and for all I know, my diagnosis will be ‘Inability-To-Spell-Pshyckosis’ Psychosis. So even though I honestly don’t think I could have it and the whole thing seems silly and almost impossible, the severe PTSD symptoms I’ve read online seem to match my situation pretty closely. Then again, WebMD once diagnosed a sesame seed caught between my teeth as colon cancer, so I guess we’ll just wait for an actual diagnosis. One doctor has said that one of my symptoms (large amounts of guilt) was not often associated with PTSD, but some of my other symptoms were. He didn’t actually say “It’s fucking Twitter!”, which would have cleared a lot of things up.
There is still a whole line up of things that I could be dealing with. Panic Disorders, Anxiety Disorders, Depression, chemical imbalances, a radioactive spider bit me… And if it is PTSD, it’s more accurate to say it’s been induced by other situations that happen to have been brought to light online. Okay sure, Twitter plays a big role, but it’s not like it’s the star of the show! We’re talking about an ensemble cast!
It’s like… if the causes for this ‘mind scariness’ of mine, were the TV show ‘Firefly’, then Twitter would be Book. Y’see? Book isn’t the main character, so he can’t be the cause of my... no, wait. Facebook would be Book, of course.
Twitter would be Wash. No, who am I kidding, Wash is so totally Yahoo.
“This is a fertile land and we will thrive. We will rule over all this land and we will call it... This Land.”
Yup, that’s Yahoo.
Could Twitter be Kaylee? Yeah, maybe if… unless... is she Pinterest? Hmmm, let’s see…
“Look at the pretties!”
“No, it's shiny! I like to meet new people, they've all got stories.”
“You don't seem to be lookin' at the destinations. What you care about is the ships, and mine's the nicest.”
“[pointing to a pink frilly dress] Say, look at the fluffy one!”
“Don't you just love this party? Everything's so fancy and there's some kind of hot cheese over there.”
I don’t know, I’m still not convinced that Kaylee is…
“[Sits on her bed, eating finger foods, listening to classical music and staring at a fluffy dress.]” ALRIGHT! Fine! Kaylee is Pinterest.
But then who the hell is Twitter? Simon is obviously WebMD, Zoe…Amazon (heh).
Inara? Could Inara be Twitter? Well Inara is a companion, so… Youjizz.com? DAMMIT, Tarol! Don’t be such an asshole! Inara Serra is a capable, strong woman and NOT an example of sexual objectification! So… xvideos.com? Wait, no. That’s not what companions are about at all. Yes, they provide sexuality, but that’s not the point of it. As a companion, Inara is smarter than you, offers support and information and she helps you get to where you’re going in life if you’re lost, but only works when she wants to andOHMYGOD INARA IS GOOGLE! It makes perfect sense! Also, if Inara had married Capt. Reynolds… Well that would've sucked. Damn, that might have ruined the whole show.
So… I guess that makes Capt. Reynolds, Youtube? At least I think he’s Youtube. He disables comments…
“[Book] Captain, do you mind if I say grace?”
“[Reynolds] Only if you say it out loud.”
He regularly picks fights with large groups of unified people…
“[Reynolds] Wha? I didn't start it! Just wanted a quiet drink.”
“[Zoe] Funny, sir, how you always seem to find yourself
in an Alliance-friendly bar come U-day, looking
for a ‘quiet drink’.”
And oh yeah, I once saw his naked ass even though I didn’t want to. There’s no doubt about it, Capt. Tightpants is Youtube.
Saffron is Tumblr, that’s easy.
River is… um… what the hell is River?
“The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems.”
Hmmm, I’m still not sure what she is.
“I remember everything. I remember too much. And some of it's made up, and some of it can't be quantified, and there's secrets…”
Damn, this is a tough one.
“I don't belong... dangerous like you. Can't be controlled... can't be trusted.”
“No power in the 'verse can stop me.”
I’m sorry, I just don’t know...
“I threw up on your bed.”
OH! 4Chan! Duh!
So I guess that leaves Jayne as Twitter. Which makes sense, I suppose. He almost always talks in less than 140 characters...
“Boy, it sure would be nice if we had some grenades, don't you think?” (69 characters)
“We're gonna explode? I don't wanna explode!” (44 characters)
He ‘retweets’ things...
“Shepherd Book once said to me, ‘If you can't do something smart, do something right.’” (86 characters)
He gets blocked by other accounts for trolling...
“[Jayne] You don't pay me to talk pretty. Just because Kaylee gets lubed up over some big-city dandy doesn't mean…” (108 characters)
“[Reynolds] Walk away from this table. Right now.”
He ‘tweets’ about his food and drink...
“Mmm. They call it Mudder's Milk. All the protein, vitamins and carbs of your grandma's best turkey dinner, plus fifteen percent alcohol.” (138 characters)
And finally, when he gets a lot of followers, he lets it go to his head and annoys everyone with an over inflated ego.
“[Jayne] No really Mal, I mean maybe there's something to this. The mudders, I think I really made a difference in their lives. Me, Jayne Cobb.” (135 characters)
“[Reynolds] I know your name, jackass!”
So the point I’m trying to make, is that Firefly was fucking awesome. Wait. No. My point was… Jayne’s hat… um… no… Oh, Twitter! That was my point!
You can’t get Twitter from PTSD.
Wait, that’s not right. DAMMIT JOSS WHEDON! You screwed me up again! You do this to me EVERY time!
Really though, I can’t imagine my diagnosis being PTSD. I simply don’t believe that I’ve been through the kind of trauma that can cause that disorder.
So after all of this, after going on about how it seems impossible, what if it turns out that I actually do have TweeTSD? What if that’s what all this memory loss, waves of terror and panic are about? What then? What if a doctor were to diagnose me with… hell, what if a hundred doctors were to… no, screw it, what if The Incredible Hulk were to come bounding up my driveway, kick in my fucking door, grab me by the ankles and bash me on the floor like he did to Loki, then show me his doctorate that says “Dr. Bruce Banner”, point at me and say “TweeTSD! HULK DIAGNOSE!”. What would I do next? Besides recovering from my disorder and bleeding on my floor, what would my responsibility be?
Well personally, I would make sure that my PTSD doesn’t in any way belittle, downplay, disrespect, or otherwise hinder those dealing with PTSD stemming from violent trauma. Because honestly, if I am diagnosed with Twitter induced PTSD, and you’re someone dealing with PTSD brought on by being shot at, blown up, tortured, raped… you know, actual horrific stuff that I really can’t imagine… well... well how could you not find my diagnosis offensive? I feel like you could just punch me in the damn face if you want. I’d understand. Seriously, I won’t even be mad. And if you chose not to punch me in the face? I would sincerely thank you for that.
“So you lost your leg to an IED?”
“And that’s the IED that killed your best friend?”
“No, that was a week earlier.”
“Ah, I see. And now you have tinnitus ringing in your ears constantly? A piercing, high pitched whine that never, ever, ever stops?”
“And so you have PTSD?”
“Yeah, I hear ya. I’m in the same position you are, man. I got PTSD too, except mine was from someone tweeting mean things to me!”
“Yeah! And some of those mean things? Retweeted! Like… SIX TIMES!
“ … “
“And then… and then… um…. this one time? ...There was even caps lock? ...And… um…”
“ … “
“Um ...thank you very much for not breaking my nose right now.”
So does this mean that people with non-violent, trauma induced disorders should be mocked or disbelieved? Hell no! If you offer them anything, it should be support and understanding.
So to Melody, I would like to offer you that support and wish you all the best. Since I’m in no way an expert, I’m personally going to go with the belief that whatever pain you’re going through is real and valid, and that any outside person who’s directly minimalising your disorder is acting like an asshole. I have an idea of how much it hurts and I’m sorry it’s happening to you.
But continuing in that moral direction, I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t say that you seem to be doing the exact same thing yourself, when you strongly insinuate that your disorder is not only equal to, but more important than that of soldiers with PTSD because of “higher statistics”. And then to say to them “you need to educate yourselves”? And contacting their commanding officers in attempts to actually damage their careers?! Really?!
Listen, some of these people have repeatedly done what you or I might not have the courage to do once. Whether we agree with the politics behind it or not, these individuals have risked their lives for the benefit of people they don’t know. Even if you genuinely have PTSD that was genuinely induced by online, social media, you have to recognize what a massive slap in the face that might be to them. But the way you’re handling this is making things harder for them and why on Earth would you ever want to do that?
And not only are you possibly hurting the PTSD sufferers before you, you might be hurting the ones who are diagnosed after you. Because when I discovered your situation online and saw the stigma you were creating, I dreaded my potential PTSD diagnosis even more than I had before. I don’t want this image of the disorder that you’ve created, applied to me. I don’t want the things that you’ve said regarding the disorder to be mistaken for things I’d ever say.
Because if I’m wrong about what I’ve been saying and I AM diagnosed with it and I find out that yes, all it takes to break me on this level, are a few assholes on the internet. Well that’s… that’s so far beyond humiliating.
I mean, it’s fucking Twitter. ...Does that not bother you? I realise that’s a very rude question to ask, but I’m asking not as an outsider, but as someone who’s looking the potential of that diagnosis in the face. And it bothers me. It terrifies me.
IF I am diagnosed with a trauma induced disorder and IF I learn that it’s caused by online social media, I’m getting the HELL off of Twitter. Now of course, you can handle your diagnosis how you want and honestly, maybe it means you’re stronger than me. Obviously, you’re strong enough to stand up to people and that’s awesome. But whether you meant to or not, you’ve pointed that strength at the wrong people. We’re not comparable to military personnel and others who have been through serious trauma. We weren’t defending our country or fighting crime or putting out fires, Melody. Our disorder was caused by activities that could easily be done while sipping hot tea and wearing fuzzy slippers.
If I want to have any hope of repairing the bulk of the damage that I’ve done to my career in the last two months, I have to explain to my readers why I’ve disappeared. And that is why I’ve added this segment to the top of my blog post, Melody. Because you’ve spoken out not just for yourself, but as a representative of this type of disorder. So now I’m writing this to explain that you do not represent me and that I don’t share your beliefs. Here is what I do believe…
This is not something I’ll ever hold up in an effort to validate my opinions or wave at people online when they make me feel bad. It’s not a title, it’s not a trophy, it’s not a shield and it’s not a soapbox. It’s a disorder. It does not strengthen or weaken the validity of my ideologies and beliefs.
As far as your condition is concerned, I honestly wish you all the best and I admire all the successes you’ve had while working toward recovery.