I'm sorry if I ruffled y'all's feathers by jumping the gun in my ignorance.
No harm done. I was more concerned about you not having your time wasted. Anyhow, here are the issues from what I've read
. I'm leaving out spelling and grammar corrections because there will be time for that later.
Everywhere: You need more links. Especially in Story and Plot. Normally you could just link someone to the chapter where things you talk about are happening and trust them to navigate if they really want to see it, but this comic's published to dA. There's pretty much no navigation. If something is stupid or awful enough to mention, you should probably link to it (omitting linking to the same thing happening over and over of course).
Genre: I'm pretty sure this is a "slice-of-life" comic; that should be in there somewhere unless I am mistaken about it being slice-of-life.
Defining Flaw: Generally this should be one thing. If you're going to take artistic liberty to tell a joke, fine, but if you're not it should be one thing. The thing that made the comic totally unsalvageable.
Ratings summary: "Art" section only says the art never improves but doesn't say what it is. Even one word to describe the present state of things would be fine. "Story" maybe say what it progressed into; it's a bit vague. "Miscellaneous Details:" it looks like the first sentence needs something appended to the end to give it some context. Maybe "passed off as everyday Catholic school conversation" or something like that.
Background: "Random" is a little redundant; it gets used in two sentences in a row to describe the same thing.
Downfall: I suggest you lead with the point in the comic that sucked and link to the exact page (if there is one), then mention the Invader Zim thing afterward. You should also lose the part about "You may as well brace yourself for the comparisons" because you never mention Zim again after this section. Anyhow, my suggestion is:
It started to suck when Rain meets her improbable collection of LGBT students at the catholic school and forgets that they should all be social pariahs if discovered. They just go on as if everything is perfectly normal in the eyes of society. Especially at a catholic school because as we all know, catholic schools are just the most forward thinking, progressive establishments you can go to for an education. The story began to remind me of Invader Zim at this point. Nobody seems to notice the green alien in the classroom.
Story and Plot:
Paragraph 1 - I'd recommend making "Since we have 32 chapters of " the second sentence, as it explains the hectic delivery style of the rest of the first paragraph. You should also set up what you're not talking about; explain why things you didn't mention weren't worth mentioning.
Paragraph 2 - The "super paranoid about being discovered" bit is kind of redundant given it's word for word also at the beginning of the first paragraph. You seem to prefer a conversational writing style, so maybe swap that part out with something like, "So after the flashback, Rain's paranoia turns out to be unfounded as every guy" etc. etc.
Paragraph 3 - I'd go with "the rainbow characters
" instead of "the rainbow people
" because retards with ADHD sometimes read our reviews and will emotionally leap to the conclusion you're no longer only talking about the comic. This paragraph also rambles a bit. You should cut it down a little and make it more focused, so it'll lead into the next paragraph better. "The other 22 chapters don't really mean anything" makes it sound like there's no point in even bringing them up, but then you bring them up in paragraph 4 and make a pretty compelling case for having brought them up. I'd throw out the "don't really mean anything" part and change "just more of the same" to something like "mostly
the same thing as before". Maybe split that sentence into two because it's a bit cumbersome.
Paragraph 4 - Sentence 2 and 3 trip over each other, and 3 is wordier than it needs to be. Maybe cut them down to, "Well let's go even faster until we hit the point where the story jumps the retard shark in chapter 26. That's a full 16 chapters ahead of now, and I bet I can sum up everything else of even relative consequence that happens fewer sentences than I have fingers." I'd also suggest starting a new paragraph at "Let's go!" and another new one at or after "And here we are,", because it'll make it clearer the new (short) paragraph 5 is your list of things.
Nobody knows who "alpha bitch" refers to because you've never mentioned her before. You should keep in mind when writing these reviews that, in addition to your reader not having read the comic before your review, the reader may also skip reading the comic because of your review. You can't assume they'll know what you're talking about unless you introduce things explicitly. Likewise, You should explain how Rain's sister acted like a douche-nozzle, given you later point out she took things a step further. The bit about "Words can't convey how retarded this scene was" is fine, but you should still say what happened prior to that sentence, because the act itself is describable (e.g. "Rain's sister gets disowned over a haircut").
Paragraph 5 - This sentence should probably appear earlier or not at all. Ending on the ridiculousness of the haircut shark jump is a stronger finish to this section.
Art Review: You should begin with why her art is bad. Get into how it has failed to improve after you've covered why it needs improvement in the first place. Again, remember you may be (and probably are) writing this for someone who's never even heard of the comic.
Paragraph 1 - It's not unheard of to start a story with a flashback. The real issue here is it's idiotic to have what's clearly a prologue that involves a scene of the past presented as a flashback
. The next panel after the "flashback" in flashback colors leads with "13 years later".
Paragraph 2 - I'd lose "because most of the time she spends a whole lot of time telling" from the first sentence because it's redundant. There's also only one way to fail at show-don't-tell so you don't really need to spell out how she did it. "IMVU" should be a link to whatever that means.
Paragraph 3 - Maybe change "football minutes" to "a football clock" to cut out a redundant use of the word "minutes". The bit on Bleach could also be trimmed down somewhat without changing your point.
Paragraph 4 - The "collect all the rainbow colors" bit should probably be "collect all the colors" since it's still obvious from the context what you're talking about. I'd lose the last sentence because pretty much everyone should already know what you're talking about by that point. Though if you did want to hammer home the point you could go with something like, "There's Gender Fluid, who shows up and angsts because of not being accepted outside the group and tumblr problems. Then there's Lesbian #2, who like Lesbian #1, shows up and angsts because of not being accepted outside the group and tumblr problems. And so on."
Author Bio: Paragraph 1 is kind of cumbersome, and you shouldn't explain why you didn't do something you wound up doing. That just makes it sound like you wrote the first paragraph, curiosity got the better of you, then you wrote the other paragraphs, and finally you jumped back and made a quick edit to the first one. The paragraph's logically inconsistent as it stands now. In fact, it might even be worth rewriting the entire Bio section based around your initial indifference to researching her that you got past when you stumbled onto her e-begging. Structure it a bit more clearly to pair up the things she asked for with the lack of any records or existence of contradictory records.
Conclusion: I'm really baffled by what you're trying to say here. I can't follow your meaning or tell how it relates to the comic. The first sentence doesn't say anything about what your opinion is, and sentences 2 and 3 are run-on sentences where it's hard to tell what's an observation and what's your opinion. I'd recommend leading with a short, clear declaration of what your opinion is. Elaborate in later sentences if needed, but make sure you tie your opinion to what you observed in the comic you reviewed.